I'm starting again...this is me after

So it's been a couple months over a year since being involved in a the fatal homicide/suicide/attempted murder shooting. Me, being the lone survivor of this shooting. His name was Germain Jimenez, a 33 yr. old, who pretty much went crazy over a girl. That girl was my best friends little sister. An innocent person, as well as we were too. Oct. 2nd of 2010, was the last day my best friend, Jessica, and I would ever spend together again.
She was shot 5 times, and died hours later. I was shot 7 times, and died twice before being revived and put on a ventilator. I had 8 surgeries over 6 days, and was in a medically induced coma, being allowed to wake up every now and then. My heart was very unstable, and still not able to talk, sit up, or hardly respond to things, everytime I would hear a persons voice that I knew, I would try so hard to respond to them that my heart rate would get up almost into the 200's and the doctors would say I need to be more stable for visitors and send whomever was talking to me out. I have no memory of the first 7 or 8 days of being in the hospital. I get all this info from my husband, and I'm still learning things to this day. I think the first thing I actually remember is being woken up by my best friend and my husband, and them telling me that Jessica didn't make it and had passes away. In the back of my head, I knew she was gone , but my heart wouldn't let me believe it. I cried my eyes out, and I wanted to be with her. But in little spots of when I was allowed to be awake and vaguely remember, but I do remember my self thinking "Where is Jessica? Why isn't she here? Why hasn't she come to see me? Why isn't she in the bed next to me?"

In the last year, I have recovered. I'm covered with scars that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, my memory is scarred with the last moments of my best friends life, and the scariest moments of my life, and I will never be the person I was before this all happened. Things have changed, and I'm struggling with guilt, I'm still mourning the death of Jessica, and I'm mad that I wasn't able to say goodbye to her.

I was blessed that god chose me to survive this tragic shooting, but I still blame myself for Jessica not being here anymore. There is a reason I was given this second chance. I'm a mother of 3, I have a loving husband, and a family who needed me on this earth still. I thank god everyday that I am still here, but I miss Jessica everyday I wake up.

Im writing this because I want people to know my story, so if u wanna know what exactly happened don't hesitate to ask. It makes me feel better to talk about it, and relieves my stress. I remember it all so it gets pretty deep.
And if anyone reading this knows of a place I can go and talk to any survivors of victims of crime, or do any public speaking on what happened to me, please let me know.
I'll be blogging as much as possible.
Thanks guys
-angel